In response to my joke question on CEBIT-2018 about the best way for foreign employee to destroy his career in a German company, I was “advised” as follows
1: Do completely your own thing – which means only the tasks area according to your employment contract.
2: Stay sealed for the new, unconventional approach.
3: Ignore the improvement suggestions or appeals for help from colleagues. They should overcome their difficulties alone.
4: If a task seems too difficult, explain to your boss that there is no way to solve the problem. Your best words: Noway, we will never succeed, impossible!
Your boss will love you if you give him a profound explanation why this task can’t be completed. If there are no convincing arguments, you can use this phrases: Nobody does that. / I tell you it won’t work! , Or the absolute highlight: It’ s not realistic.
5: As soon as you realize what the boss expects from you (finding solutions, keeping to deadlines etc.), just promise him that. If you can’t keep your word, it’s his problem. One shouldn’t believe everything that others say, right?
If the boss continues to put pressure on you, pretend that you agree and only make something fake so that you cannot be criticized for not having done anything at all.
Another advice on how to ruin your career in a German company and lose customers is: the excuses and explanations.
If your work is not done by the agreed deadline, think up some plausible explanations: your cat was sick and needed care, the computer broke down, you needed to do something for your family urgently, and so on.
Use these tips frequently and you won’t get any more jobs, lose your existing customers and ruin your career in Germany. Cowabunga!
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